Everyone and their mother saw enough of the news cycle to know that Iran just got blasted back to the stone age from, well, further forward in the stone age. Their stage of technical development may be besides the point, but it does beg the question, who else could beat Iran in a war? America’s college towns are filled with insane fans, so if you pick the right group, they might just have a shot.
Liberty
Liberty might not be the flashiest of the potential options here, but if it’s a numbers game, let me count all of their online students as a part of this group, and let the mayhem ensue. It might be more of a horde than anything surgical, but the sheer size of that mob would make Iran quake.
There’s also the possibility that Liberty could end up being the best equipped of all of the options. They get plenty of donations from defense contractors, so if this bizarre alternative reality came about it stands to reason that maybe they’d get armed by the same guys that make online school so cheap
West Virginia
West Virginia’s only real disadvantage to start on this one might be that military style vehicles don’t burn coal. Might not be too much of a disadvantage though cause they probably figured out how to make a truck run on moonshine decades ago, and moonshine is in plentiful supply amongst Mountaineer fans.
The insanity found in 100% of West Virginia fans (give or take) very well will also qualify as a winning personality in this one. Remember this is the same fanbase that will burn couches at the faintest sense of any emotion whatsoever if it’s related to a football game. Give them the opportunity to burn the bench seat of an Iranian pickup truck and they’ll be competing to see who gets to light the match.
Tennessee
Knoxville is already essentially being invaded by Californians whose weapons are high real estate prices, and Tennessee fans haven’t been allowed to do anything about that. So if Iran tried to invade east Tennessee, they’d be lighting the fuse on a powder keg. The Iranians probably wouldn’t even make it all the way up I-75 to Knoxville before the small town folks took care of business.
Once you get outside of town, it seems like everyone in east Tennessee is armed to the teeth too, and they’re familiar with the mountains. The Iranian army would never see the local militia, who certainly call themselves the Volunteers, sneak up on them. Then after shots fire and things get loud they’ll be blasting Morgan Wallen from a Bluetooth speaker they attached to the bed of somebody’s pickup truck.
Alabama
If you told Tide fans that there’s a College Football Playoff trophy in Tehran, they’d be storming the beaches of Iran within six hours, and with remarkedly disciplined formation and genius tactics thanks to General Nick Saban.
The real nail in the coffin for the Iran military in this scenario is that right now, Alabama’s fanbase is desperate after they had three regular season losses last year, resulting in them rightfully being left out of the College Football Playoff.
Now that I said that they’ll probably storm my yard instead. Oh well.
Texas A&M
Approximately ten percent of Texas A&M students are either in the military or the spouse of a military member, so College Station basically has a standing militia already. Plus it’s Texas so everybody knows how to shoot once you get outside of the weakling cesspool in Austin. The Aggies would probably have to come in and save the Longhorns from getting butchered.
Texas A&M fans also have the unique perk of being completely immune to psychological warfare. They’ve seen so much nonsense out of their athletics department in recent years that they really can’t be phased anymore. But if they rally and bring the presence of the 12th man outside of Kyle Field, then the Ayatollah will think that he’s fighting against a hive mind.
If you really wanna put the final nail in the coffin for Iran, just tell the Texas A&M fraternities that Iran is harboring Jimbo Fisher. Once they get in there they’ll also bring American football to Azadi Stadium, which will inexplicably result in world peace.
Imagine Sending All Of Them At Once
Now it’s not even a battle. Iran would just surrender. But it would officially be the most ridiculous war of all time.
