Don’t let the woke media try and convince you different, this country was built off the backs of red blooded Americans pumping enough beer in their system to accuse their side piece of being a Witch. Let’s dive in to the question that keeps you up at night; Which beer does your SEC coach indulge. Men who don’t judge other men based on the beer they order from the bar are liars. The truth lies below, and the secret to what makes College Football so great is in the last paragraph.
Alabama – Kalen DeBoer: Sierra Nevada Pale Ale
DeBoer’s the West Coast transplant taking over Bama’s throne, and he’s bringing that hoppy, bold energy with him. Sierra Nevada Pale Ale, a classic West Coast IPA, is his go-to—crisp, bitter, and just a little cocky, like a guy who’s ready to prove he can hang in the SEC while still repping his roots.
Arkansas – Sam Pittman: Coors light
Pittman has been seen drinking a silver bullet on the field, which is actually sick af, even though Arkansas deserves better. Regardless, an offensive line coach has to be cool enough to hang.
Auburn – Hugh Freeze: Blue Moon
Freeze is all about that feel-good, redemption-arc energy. Blue Moon’s got that crafty, approachable vibe with a slice of orange—perfect for a guy who’s trying to charm recruits and fans alike. It’s a beer that says, “I’m sophisticated, but I’m still here for the tailgate.”
Florida – Billy Napier: Michelob Ultra
Napier’s fighting to keep his job, so he’s probably watching his carbs. Michelob Ultra’s the beer for a guy who’s sweating every detail, trying to turn the Gators around while keeping it light. It’s not exciting, but it’s calculated—like his game plans that sometimes work.
Georgia – Kirby Smart: Miller Lite
Smart’s a winner, but he’s not out here flexing like he’s at a craft brewery. Miller Lite is clean, reliable, and doesn’t mess around—exactly like Georgia’s dynasty. You know Kirby’s got a cooler of these in his lake house, sipping while he scouts five-star recruits.
Kentucky – Mark Stoops: Guinness
Stoops is the grinder of the SEC, building Kentucky into a respectable program with sheer will. I know for a fact Stoops splits the G out of tradition, not to impress. Guinness is dark, heavy, and takes commitment—like Stoops’ decade-plus tenure. He’s probably pouring one in a Lexington bar, brooding over how to upset Georgia while sending XFL memes to his brother.
LSU – Brian Kelly: Lone Star Ranch Water
Kelly’s leaning hard into that Southern charm, trying to convince everyone he’s more Baton Rouge than Boston. Lone Star Ranch Water in a can—fizzy, limey, and a little too try-hard—is his drink. You know he’s popping one open at a crawfish boil, practicing his Cajun accent while dodging questions about last season.
Mississippi State – Jeff Lebby: Bush Light
It’s not Lebby’s fault that he had to fill the shoes of Mike Leach. He’s working w what he’s got and I believe he has embraced the Cowbell. He might not be a Mike Leach Busch Apple, but that mother fucker tries his best and that’s all we can appreciate.
Missouri – Eli Drinkwitz: Heineken 0.0
Drinkwitz is the sly, underrated coach who’s got Mizzou punching above their weight, buuuuuut… he also looks like the photo next to the word “Goober” in the dictionary. Heineken 0.0 is his pick—non-alcoholic, because he’s just trying to fit in with the tailgate crowd without losing his edge. You can see him holding one, smirking as he trolls Tennessee fans, staying sharp for the postgame presser.
Oklahoma – Brent Venables: Bud Light
Venables is a defensive mastermind, but he’s keeping it low-key, maybe even in the closet with his true feelings. Bud Light’s his go-to—safe, mainstream, and doesn’t draw attention. He’s probably sipping one in Norman, quietly obsessing over how to stop Texas’ offense.
Ole Miss – Lane Kiffin: Corona
Kiffin’s the cool uncle of the SEC, all vibes and no apologies. Corona’s his jam—beach-ready, lime-in-the-bottle, living-the-dream energy. You know he’s sipping one on his Oxford patio, tweeting memes while his coordinators handle the game plan.
South Carolina – Shane Beamer: Palmetto Brewing Lowcountry Lager
Beamer’s got that scrappy, underdog spirit, and Palmetto’s a South Carolina staple. This lager’s crisp, local, and perfect for a guy who’s hyping up Gamecock fans at a tailgate. He’s probably chugging one while leading a “Sweet Caroline” singalong.
Tennessee – Josh Heupel: Yee-Haw Dunkel
Heupel’s got Tennessee roaring with that fast-paced offense, and Nashville Pop Yee-Haw’s a Knoxville brew with some dark, gritty depth. A dunkel fits his blue-collar Oklahoma Ass roots and yet flashy results. You know he’s got a pint at a local bar, toasting to another 50-point game.
Texas – Steve Sarkisian: Lone Star
IDGAF about y’all getting shocked about my opinion, this is all made up anyways. IF he drank, he would 100% be a Lonestar guy. Years of pain Texas fans have endured w Sark stepping in and immediately filling the shoes of great coaches before him solidifies him as a true Lonestar Hero.
Oh, and while we’re talking football, let’s give a shoutout to the folks shaking things up off the field. This article is brought to you by the First College Players Union, College Athletics Players Association (CAPA). They’re fighting for fair treatment and compensation for college athletes, ensuring the next generation of stars like Shedeur Sanders get what they deserve. Check them out at CollegeAthleticsPA.com and join the movement!
Texas A&M – Mike Elko: Saint Arnold Amber
Elko’s sucks and probably drinks Revolver Blood & Honey. Although it’s a good beer, it’s everyone’s first “Craft” beer they tried. My problem w Elko is that he doesn’t fit that Aggie energy. Just like Blood & Honey, he will always live in the shadow of Lonestar (Texas). Jeff Traylor should be the head coach of the Aggies, and I locked in UTSA (+21) @ TAMU months ago.
Vanderbilt – Clark Lea: Yazoo Pale Ale
Lea’s the intellectual of the SEC, coaching at Vandy while probably overanalyzing everything. Yazoo’s Pale Ale is Nashville’s go-to—crisp, a little hoppy, and perfect for a guy who’s trying to outsmart opponents while surrounded by frat bros.
If you have cared to read this far, the reason college football is so great is because of fans like you that want to know what beer their coach probably drinks. These coaches live and breathe football, but a beer can tell you everything you need to know about a man. Not that you care, but I am an Oklahoma State grad and prefer Coors Banquet to chase down a shot of Crown.
