Why there’s so much at stake for Penn State vs. Buckeyes (0:48)Heather Dinich explains why Penn State’s loss to Oregon increases the pressure on the Nittany Lions to win at Ohio State. (0:48)
4. Oregon Trail State (You have died of dysentery) (0-5)
9. Arkansas State and the (mental) State of Arkansas (1-3)
I hear your laugh And look up smiling at you I run and run Past the pumpkin patch And the tractor rides
Here at Bottom 10 Headquarters, located beneath the pile of regret RSVP cards at Rece Davis’ house because his daughter scheduled a fall wedding, now that October has arrived, we know exactly where you will all have been this week. Standing in line with us, waiting for the store to open at midnight Oct. 3 to sell us the first copies of Tay-Tay’s new album, “The Life of a Showgirl.”
And while we watch those games, at some point we will realize that it isn’t “1989” and we no longer have to be in line to buy a new record. Or buy records at all. We can download them to our phones. Or as we call them here in the B10CU, the Bottom 10 Cinematic Universe, our pocket computers.
With apologies to the Taylor University Trojans, former Nebraska wide receiver Nate Swift and Steve Harvey, here are the post-Week 5 Bottom 10 rankings.
The Bearkats kruised through their skheduled open date and now koncentrate on krossing the Rio Grande for a kontest kounter to New Mexiko State, who were just konquered by New Mexiko in Albukuerkue.
Speaking of the Artist Formerly Known But Soon To Be Known Again As The Pac-12, the Beavers became the nation’s first five-loss team after a near-win over undefeated Houston Not Sam Houston. Now they travel east to face Appalachian State in Boone, North Carolina, where I once camped with the Boy Scouts and had all of our food stolen by actual beavers.
Yes, this week the World’s Most Famous Chiefs Fan Not Named Ant-Man drops her new batch of songs, but we also know that as the Bottom 10 faithful camp out on the sidewalk, they will be listening to another playlist of sweet tunes. I’m speaking of the fight songs of Sam Houston, We Have a Problem on Thursday night. Then, the Charlotte 1-and-3’ers, San No-sé State and Colora-duh State on Friday night. All programs that are in their own “Era” of writing “Bottom 10’s Version” of their “Reputation” for “Evermore.”
The Spartans Not Trojans are one of a whopping four Mountain West teams stuck at 1-3, but won, er, lost out for this spot over the other three because: A. They actually played a game last weekend; 3. They lost the Pillow Fight of the Week to neighbor and fellow Bottom 10 Waiting Lister Stanfird by one point; and fifthly, they can probably sneak up on New Mexico this weekend because the Lobos have spent all week with upset tummies after spending a week eating from college football’s new greatest rivalry trophy, the Chile Roaster.
The Other Other Huskies are one of a whopping six #MACtion team stuck at 1-and-something, but won, er, lost out for this spot over the other five because: 1. They actually played a game last weekend; C. They lost to San Diego State, which isn’t terrible, but the final score of the game was 6-3; and secondly, we wanted a chance to hype this week’s Pillow Fight of the Week, when they host My Hammy of Ohio, which is now 1-3 after beating Lindenwood, a school you’ve never heard of unless you are a big Pierre Desir fan.
Why there’s so much at stake for Penn State vs. Buckeyes (0:48)Heather Dinich explains why Penn State’s loss to Oregon increases the pressure on the Nittany Lions to win at Ohio State. (0:48)
Heather Dinich explains why Penn State’s loss to Oregon increases the pressure on the Nittany Lions to win at Ohio State. (0:48)
I feel very strongly that we as a nation aren’t making a big enough deal out of this new chile roaster trophy for New Mexico-New Mexico State. pic.twitter.com/ls0s5X1ETA
5. We Are … Back in the Coveted Fifth Spot! (3-1)
Waiting list: State of Kent, UTEPid, Muddled Tennessee State, Northworstern, FA(not I)U, Bah-stan Cawledge, Clempson, Flori-duh, Georgia State Not Southern, Colora-duh State, No-vada, Stanfird, My Hammy of Ohio, South Alabama Redundancies, Give Me Liberty Or Give Me 1-4, Akronmonious, Baller State, a college football world without Sam Pittman in it.